I don't care that this
test is incomprehensible to everyone. I
got it working, so I'm pushing it! I, however, don't have the energy to use this solution in the side project I had originally encountered it in. Maybe this weekend!
I also fixed a doorknob. I can't tell why it came off, other than a lot of our doors seem crappy, so it'll probably come off again. We had door problems in our last place, too. Now I kind of want the nice commercial doors that you see in offices. But there are literally twenty other home improvements in a spreadsheet ahead of that, so I'm just going to pretend they're fine.